5 Lessons at 50

Looking at my peak male physique, and my Keanu Reeves baby face, you would never suspect it, but I recently turned 50. As is the tradition, I thought about writing a post titled "50 Lessons at 50". Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of wisdom. The thing is, I still feel like I'm 18, same age as my son. Turns out this is the secret old guys have been hiding from us all along. You get older only on the outside, but inside you still see yourself as the same young lad.

Still, fifty years should count for something. So what did I actually learn? How am I mentally different than my 18-year-old self. Here is my attempt to tally it up. 

1. Caution is warranted

I finally understand my parents. As you age, you accumulate battle scars, and the scars turn into habits. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. You forget the cooktop on once, and suddenly you check it three times before leaving the house. True story. You stop diving head-first into a pile of leaves, because there might be a rake underneath. Another true story.

But the trap is overcorrecting. Common sense is good, but too much common sense is dangerous. It makes you overly cautious, predictable, and dull, and it talks you out of the leaf pile even when there is no rake. So, it is important to fight that entropy.

2. Realism helps you understand how the world runs

When I was younger I thought everyone was good, smart, rational, and reasonable. I was idealistic, and I was projecting my own motivations onto everyone else. As a professor, I rarely questioned the administrators. Surely everyone was trying to improve education for the students. Not really. In fact, many of the students were not particularly interested in improving their own education either.

This was a disappointing realization, but then it was also liberating. The world gets much easier to understand once you take off the rose-colored glasses and start watching the incentives instead of the stated intentions. You stop being surprised, and you stop being hurt. You get a model of the world that actually predicts the world. Recognizing where the incentives point doesn't obligate you to like them. You can decide to play the game, or refuse it, or even try to change it. 

3. Competence is bliss

I alluded to the Murphy's Law earlier. In 1949, an engineer named Edward Murphy got frustrated after a technician wired the sensors backwards during an Air Force rocket sled experiment. This led to the aphorism "if there is a way to do it wrong, someone will find it". People remember this as a line about bad luck, but it's actually about how easy it is to do things wrong, and how rare it is to do them right.

It took me a couple of decades to fully appreciate that competence is far scarcer than you'd expect. This is both bad news and good news. The bad news is obvious, and all of us are going to experience it many times, at the hands of incompetent parties. The good news is that competence stands out. When you meet genuinely competent people you notice immediately, and you appreciate them. They are reliable. They sweat the details and understand the tradeoffs. You start seeking them out, and when you find them, friendships form fast, because you both know how unusual the thing actually is.

4. Do what you like

I've always wanted an excuse to use the Bell Curve meme, so here it goes. 

Most people dramatically overestimate their ability to predict what will matter in ten years or even five years. The elaborate plans are mostly a waste of time. The best strategy is work on what you like, and what you find interesting and energizing, because curiosity, enthusiasm, and the craft compounds. The safest long-term strategy is often to become exceptionally good at something you genuinely enjoy.

"Find out who you are and do it on purpose." --Dolly Parton

5. Your attitude determines your success

I am not likely to turn into the old guy yelling at the cloud any time soon, as I am aware of the danger of learned pessimism and helplessness. So I care about this lesson more than the others. Your attitude determines your success, and the stories you tell yourself matter. Since our emotions drive our persistence and our willingness to keep going, it pays to keep a constructive narrative about setbacks and challenges.

I aim for cautious optimism. I am realistic about the risks, but still optimistic about the possibilities. I am jaded enough to see how the world works, but still idealistic enough to want to improve it. Years ago I wrote a post called Fool Yourself, about deliberately choosing the narrative that gives you energy and momentum. I still believe that. At 50 I'm a little wiser, certainly more cautious and aware of the challenges ahead, but I am still fooling myself into chasing things I find meaningful.