Publish and Perish: Why Ponder Stibbons Left the Ivory Tower

(With apologies to Terry Pratchett) Ponder Stibbons sat in the shadowy recesses of the Uncommon Room, clutching a lukewarm cup of tea and the last vestiges of his patience. Across from him, the Dean, wrapped in his usual self-satisfaction, puffed his pipe and surveyed the room as if it were all a great and glorious joke that he alone understood. "Leaving?" the Dean spluttered, when Ponder finally managed to slide the conversation in that direction. "What do you mean, leaving? Where would you even go?" "Industry," said Ponder, trying not to make it sound like a curse. "Databases. Big ones." The Dean blinked. "But we have databases here. The Archchancellor’s hat alone contains centuries of magical indexing..." "Yes, but in the real world, we use them to actually store and retrieve information, not just argue about what information is worth storing in the first place," Ponder snapped. "And I’ll be paid properly." "...